While I have written my story before, my story is still continuing and I still have constant struggles to overcome especially when it comes to self love.
I was bullied in school for my weight even though I honestly wasn't fat. I had gained weight from stopping gymnastics since I wasn't as physically active but it wasn’t too bad. But I was made fun of for it and made to feel like I was fat and ugly. Because of that I became bulimic. I was sexually assaulted at the age of 13 and raped at 16. After the rape, I had an even worse view of my body and myself as a whole. I felt dirty and disgusting. No matter how many baths I took, I couldn’t become clean. No matter how deep I would cut myself, it would never be deep enough to take the guilt and disgust away. I finally spoke up about the rape a year later, in 2009 ... my senior year. I was looked at like I was filthy by some people. My health was also declining due to chronic migraines and had me hospitalized for a lot of my high school years but it was getting worse because of my stress and depression. I was in so much emotional and physical pain that I felt like I was drowning and taking my family along with me. One thing led to another and I tried to commit suicide. I stabbed myself in the abdomen and had to be rushed into emergency surgery where the doctor barely saved my life. I have the scar from the stab wound but I also have the huge surgery scar that has made me feel even more self conscious and honestly ... ugly. It has taken many years to try to train my mind to not think that way, but it comes natural to me to put myself down. Not but a little over a year after that, I ended up losing our first child. The one thing that my body is supposed to be able to do, the one person that my body is supposed to create and protect ... it failed. I failed. My body couldn't keep my own child alive. That is when I really started to hate myself. I felt helpless. Two months later, I got married .... to a man who not too much later became abusive and cheated on me. If my own husband can't even love me, how can I love myself? The abuse and cheating went on for years and I ended up divorcing him in 2014. I felt like I had nothing going for me. I failed in my marriage and I had failed as a mother. I still felt trapped but by my own emotions. I felt worthless for so long that I didn't know how to think differently. But I have ended up getting stronger and trying to reset my mind and way of thinking to learn to give myself plenty of patience and some much needed grace. But one reason why I have done multiple sessions with Katie is because I still struggle some with suicidal thoughts and how I feel disgusted with myself and how I have "let myself go" in how much weight I have gained.
All of this has been what has caused me to have the view of myself that I have. I have slowly been changing that and by some happy circumstance, I was led to Katie. I had always wanted to do a boudoir photoshoot but it would have been for my husband. After learning about what Katie does, I knew that this had go be for myself. I needed this for ME.
I was quite nervous going into my first session as I had never done anything like this before. Jessica helped pamper me with doing my makeup and hair and then Katie helped make me feel comfortable and sexy as I was doing the photoshoot. She gives you great directions and suggestions on what poses to do and let's you rock it in your own style. She helps make it comfortable and you end up having more fun than you imagined. I love all the kinds of different props that can be used and the different colored backgrounds that help give a different vibe to each look. So not only is it fantastic to be in lingerie and feel drop dead gorgeous, you have a photographer who brings you in as a client but then you end up leaving as a friend. To me, that is one of the most valuable things that I have taken away from these photoshoots. Katie is so encouraging and caring in real life and it spills out into her photography. She puts care and love into each of her clients's sessions and photographs. And when you see the finished products, you will be in awe of the fact that it is YOU in those pictures. It is YOU in that lingerie looking sexy, beautiful, gorgeous and worthy. YOU!
These sessions and pictures help keep me motivated to pursue better for myself mentally and emotionally. It is an encourager and a confidence booster. This was the starter to my self love journey and has helped me so much. If this can help me in the way that I needed, I know that it can help you too.
